Dear Mom,
It has been two days since you died and it still hasn’t sunk in. I hope that you are not looking down on us thinking that we are taking this in a calm and rational manner. We all miss you like crazy. We are just doing what we always do in this family…we are avoiding reality. I don’t think I have left the internet for more then 45 minutes because the real world just sucks without you in it.
I really thought that I would be able to stop being a total wimp and say out loud all the things I wanted to tell you before you died but by the time I screwed up my courage you were far to gone to hear me.
I have told a million strangers and anybody who will listen that you were my best friend. You really were. My absolute favorite memories of you are just the two of us doing stupid things like grocery shopping, riding in the car, going to the mall or just going out to lunch or breakfast.
I think my favorite memory I have of you will seem absolutely stupid to everybody else but it is one of my most vivid childhood memories. One Friday night, when dad was working late, you brought home Subway and the movie Clue. I think I was maybe 11 or 12. We were at the house in the farms and we just sat on that old ratty couch and ate dinner and watched that movie and laughed ourselves sick at Tim Curry. It was the first time I realized I liked mayonnaise. In retrospect, that might have been my first clue of my impending weight problem.
I have no idea why that memory sticks in my head but it does. I come back to it every time. You were the one true anchor in my whole life, the one and only thing that I could consistently count on. I have no idea how I will ever be able to be the person you thought I was, especially now that you are not here to see it.
I know you spent a lot of your life feeling guilty about things but you were, by far, the most selfless, honest, sincere person I have ever met. You never let a single person down and you never failed to do exactly what you said you were going to do. The only thing getting me through this is the fact that I know you aren’t hurting anymore.
I just want you to know that you are loved. You meant so much to every single person who met you even if it was only for a few minutes. My heart hurts just looking at your face and I know when the numbness wears off and this really hits me that I’m going to be the slobbering mess I already feel like I am on the inside.
I could say a million other things but I won’t. No words seem meaningful enough. No thoughts deep enough. You were my mom. I miss you. I love you. My life will never be the same without you.
Me.
